Help, I Hear Voices of Ah Lian Sex Partners from the Past!

Posted on May 6 2015 - 3:59pm by Redwire Singapore

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“Why keep your virginity when you can have fun? Because sex has the uncanny ability to create a lasting connection with another person, and the voices of your previous sex partners hovering over you when you embark on a serious relationship can be very disconcerting.”

And people say I’m crazy when I tell them I hear voices at night.

Mainly, they sound like donkeys (He hor… always make fun of my accent. He hor… always poke my fat thunder thighs… He hor…)

They MUST be coming from the ghosts of girlfriends past, because my wife is always snoring in the bedroom.

The great “voices” revelation was published at 2.04am in the morning by Straits Times Online, and maybe writer Chen Dewei was up too and hearing similar voices?

I don’t doubt the rigour of the Straits Times as a new collection agency.

Much empirical study must have been carried out and the results proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that yes, voices of previous sex partners hover around you when you embark on a serious relationship.

But why do I only hear the Ah Lians who speak Singlish and like to cow beh me the whole day about Korean dramas and why their lives are so boring compared to said dramas?

Why never that hot ang moh chick with the hotter Brit twang who loved to watch me shake that thang…? (Ed: probably because that never happened)

Anyway, Chen Dewei doesn’t need to worry all that much – Singaporeans have an average of 5.8 sex partners in their lifetime, according to a recent study, so at most we hear 4 full luscious, buxom adults and one midget voice at any one time.

But that’s missing the point.

Yale-NUS allows students to opt-in to the cohabitation thing – it’s housing also has mixed gender floors and single sex floors.

So far Yale-NUS says only 5 percent of students have opted for the “open-housing” option.

And we all know why a boy and a girl would choose to share a dorm room (hint, it’s NOT pancakes they’re interested in making).

But that’s still missing the point.

The point is I thought the Straits Times was about factual news, with opinion pieces written based on fact.

What happened to that?

How come no more about that “premarital-sex is bad because it can lead to accidental kids being flushed down toilets on purpose?”

Or, “premarital sex after one Slippery Nipple too many can lead to STDs if done too often and without protection and your dick might fall off so don’t do it”.

Now, it’s “voices”?

Maybe one of them can give Chen Dewei a good talking to.

Preferably the Ah Lian one that sounds like an ass when she visits me every other night.

*Oh yeah, don’t have premarital sex, kids. It’s no good for you and your dick might drop off. As for girls, go ask your mother lah!

 

This commentary was written by Elson.

 

This is the Straits Times story, written by Chen Dewei:

Co-ed cohabitation endangers chastity

YALE-NUS College recently announced that it will be allowing male and female students to share suites (“Male, female students in Yale-NUS can soon share suites”; April 22).

In the report, a parent, Mrs Grace Yeo, was quoted saying: “These are not teenagers but young adults. I trust my son to make responsible choices.”

I wonder if this is representative of Singapore parents today.

Based on the 2004 Global Sex Survey by Durex, the average age that Singaporean youth first have sex is 18.9 years. The survey also found that Singapore youth have an average of 5.8 sexual partners.

The average age that our youth first have sex is dangerously close to the age when students would enter Yale-NUS.

So we have to ask ourselves a fundamental question: Is it an issue to have premarital sex?

Or perhaps we think that even if our children have premarital sex, they can sort it out after marriage.

A recent report (“Recent marriages not standing the test of time”; April 7) showed that recent marriages are failing more often than in the past, and I would say that today’s generation lacks faithfulness.

How does abstaining from premarital sex help? Because when your partner can control himself before marriage, he will be able to control himself after marriage.

One may ask: Why keep your virginity when you can have fun? Because sex has the uncanny ability to create a lasting connection with another person, and the voices of your previous sex partners hovering over you when you embark on a serious relationship can be very disconcerting.

Rage and insecurity can hinder the formation of a healthy relationship and it is very lonely to be in such marriages.

Intentionally or unintentionally, Yale-NUS’ policy propagates a lifestyle that begets relational loneliness.

 

 

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