So Hindus can’t play music during Thaipusam, and drinkers soon won’t be able to drink after 10.30pm, and firecrackers scare the sh*t out of our PM. Why stop at that, gov? We recommend more pre-emptive bans that the government should implement to protect Singaporeans from their greatest enemy – themselves (not firecrackers lah, bodoh). They’re cheap to enforce, and they’ll help accomplish government objectives more than Tin Pei Ling ever did with her foot-stomping antics!
(1) Seats on the train
We’ve all heard of arguments that break out over the Reserved Seat, which is kind of like the Holy Grail of the train carriage. Why let his escalate into fights? Ban the bloody seat. Better yet, remove all seats in train carriages so there’s no way in hell people can fight over them. Or molest young office girls sitting on them. There’ll be more standing room for our 6.9million population too.
From the recent examples of alcoholism as an excuse for violent behaviour, why not just ban the whole damn drinks altogether? That way the Home Affairs Ministry doesn’t need to cook up another off-the-mark survey just to justify a curb. And it stops Singaporeans from having fun. “But we earn public money from liquor tax and GST,” you say. Just raise COE prices lah. Singapore loves setting new world records, anyway.
(3) Home electricity use from 10.30pm to 7am
The government wants Singaporeans to procreate, but so far it’s been woefully unsuccessful in its attempts. Since we’ve the coming alcohol curb from 10.30pm, why not ban the switching on of lights at home too? That way, barren couples can’t play Candy Crush, surf animal porn, or watch Arsenal lose yet another football game on TV. With nothing left to do, the only recreation will have to be procreation. And in the dark, it’s easy to pretend you’re Ryan Gosling instead of who you really are, Ryan Tan Ah Teck.
(4) Eating at Hawker Centres
People with nothing to do and too much food on their hands love feeding strays, which isn’t good because isn’t that what the government says caused the Bukit Batok rat problem? Force Singaporeans to eat at restaurants so we won’t waste those pricey delicacies on stray dogs. No more cheap hawker food equals no more rice left at the street corner equals no more rats equals relief for Desmond Lee.
Because they frighten our Brigadier-General Prime Minister, so f*ck them.
(6) Bloggers and Social Media
Because these buggers keep harping on the fact that our Brigadier-General Prime Minister is frightened of god-damned firecrackers. And such a ban would prevent people like Roy Ngerng from making allegedly defamatory comments to hurt the reputation of our Prime Minister, who happens to be afraid of firecrackers.
And yes, Xiaxue. Because she’s a more frightening sight than firecrackers, and children might cry just looking at her, possibly leading to more scuffles like the Thaipusam one.