JOE DEMARINI: Hey Singapore friends, just a heads up, this guy physically assaulted me on the MRT, so if you ever see him, be on your guard. I was with a friend and he approached me–drunk–and said he was gay, and that he wanted to fuck me. He said, “I know you’re gay, so let’s fuck.”
This went on for several minutes and I tried to politely diffuse the situation, but then he began to yell at my friend when she intervened; I wouldn’t let this stand, and started to become angry myself. He threatened her, and some other people on the train intervened (several were filming). He touched me, and I told him not to, and I briefly lost my temper–after that he slapped me on the side of the head. He kept going on and on, and when a woman tried to take his picture, he attempted to kick her phone out of her hand. When my friend and I got off at our stop, he got off as well, but we managed to evade him and leave the station without him following us.
For those of you that don’t know: I’m not gay (not that it should matter). However, I don’t exactly fit the “masculine” mold of society, so oftentimes I am mistaken as queer–on several occasions around the world, for example, I’ve caught flak for carrying a “man purse.” On a personal level, this is why I need feminism: so I can be confident in myself and not feel like I have to fulfill any gender role assigned to me. However, I do appreciate that women probably have to deal with this shit (or at least the threat of it) on a fairly regular basis.
For those asking “Why didn’t you fight back or call the police?” I say, “I am a white immigrant in a country where I do not have citizenship and am a minority–law enforcement may not take my side, despite video and photo evidence.” This is something I learned while living in South Korea, where no amount of assimilation will protect you when a Korean is arguing against you. In this situation, there’s a chance I would’ve been accused of inciting violence, and been charged accordingly.
I feel pretty awful about this–it’s after 2:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep; I can’t even bring myself to watch the video. Is that normal? In a sick sense, I feel lucky to have this recorded: it’s proof! And others have recorded it as well! Some people would die for that kind of evidence!
Yet here I am, too embarrassed and too ashamed to watch it.
A slap on the head is nothing, really, but I feel completely unsettled–Singapore has been a trial by fire since my first day, and this doesn’t help. In all honesty, I’m a bit tipsy and have no idea what I’m feeling.
I wish I’d said thank you to the train people who took a stand and put themselves between me and this man, but I was too rattled to muster it (at least I could thank my friend, who had the good sense to make a video). I wish I’d sat in a different train car, and the whole situation could’ve been avoided. Was it the V-neck I was wearing? My ripped skinny jeans? I probably should have held my temper, but that’s not my character. Could I have found a way to peacefully diffuse the whole situation? It’s obviously not my fault but, somehow, a part of me is convinced it was.
Anyway, I have work in the morning, so the only thing to do is press on (or at least try to get some sleep). I’ve accomplished more in a few years than I could’ve ever imagined, and I’ve met so many amazing and supportive people along the way–I can’t really let the few bastards of the world stop me, can I?
Everyone, thank you so much for the words of support and love–it means a lot to know I have such an incredible social circle around the world that’s there for me when something awful happens.
I count myself extremely lucky that I have so many amazing friends who’ve reached out, whether here or in personal messages, and I know that not everyone has that luxury. For those that know me well, you know I like to be proactive in negative situations–to try and move on in a positive direction and find a way forward. With that in mind, I’ve just donated $25 to Singapore’s Sexual Assault Care Center (via AWARE) in the hopes that, should someone experience much worse than I have but not have anyone to talk to or support them, they’ll have the resources they need. If anyone else feels compelled to do the same, here’s a link to their website and what they do: http://sacc.aware.org.sg/get-involved/donate/
I’ve made this video public in the hopes that people will share it; maybe it’ll reach another passenger who was filming it or someone will recognize this man, and he won’t be able to do this to anyone ever again. With the help of a friend, I’m planning on taking the video to the police–not because I need justice, but because next time, maybe there won’t be anyone around to stop him, and I couldn’t live with myself if that happened.
Got a story to share?
Drop us a message on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/redwire.singapore
